My Wid Family

I am so grateful the internet social network was established before my grief journey began.  I do not want to think about where I would be today without it.  My wids have been lifesavers.  I am certain many of my future blog entries will refer to this group, so I'd like to introduce them a little.

A few months after Jim died, I was googling for help on one of the many sleepless nights. I found an internet support group for widows where each posted what was on his/her mind and others responded. Similar to facebook, but without games or gimmicks or pictures. Everyone was as anonymous as they needed or wanted to be.  It was amazing.  They were reading my mind! They were saying things that I could not.....and many others were thinking the same thing! I wasn't crazy! I wasn't losing my mind! Or....if I was....I had company!!  It was always open. 24/7. Someone was reading, someone was posting, someone was responding.  They were all over the world; United States, Canada, New Zealand, United Kingdom, etc.  All with one thing in common; the loss of their spouse.  I wanted to talk to these people, but at the time, I could not.  I could not put my words out there at that time.  We had a caringbridge blog while Jim was in ICU. In 30 days, it received over 65,000 hits. His friends would check it constantly during the day, so the numbers quickly climbed.  Many people thanked me afterwards for allowing them to share the journey.  In truth, it took a toll.  And I could not bring myself to talk to these people, as I was just empty.  So I read, and read, and read.  For over a year, I read. I cried. I laughed. Finally, in August, 2010, I joined.  I found a family. They welcomed me with open arms.  The very first person to respond to my introduction post is planning a visit this summer to see me, and she and I will be finding, or creating, some trouble.  In February of this year, I met 24 of these wonderful people in Fort Worth, Texas for a weekend. It was an amazing time of instant friendship, love and understanding, and many of us are planning to meet again soon. We now communicate through the original site, facebook, chatrooms and even the occasional phone call.  The most painful truth is the membership list continues to grow everyday. But... so does the love.....

Seldom do we refer to ourselves as widows.  Too.....well....old!  We are wids, widdas, widchicks, widsis,  widbro, etc.  At Easter I called some my widbunnies!  

I thought I would share the post where I introduced myself to the group. I won't share the responses without their permission, but I can tell you, they were incredible and overwhelming.


MY INTRODUCTION TO MY WID FAMILY

I need to thank you guys for saving my sanity if not my life. I joined the board 10 days ago. But in truth, I was a lurker for over a year.

My background: I lost my husband in May, 2009, less than 2 1/2 yrs after we lost his son to an accidental drug/alcohol overdose.

After Jim died, I found you guys, but I could not speak. All my words were gone. I read. I cried with you, I laughed with you, I prayed for you on the occasional days I could see outside my own grief.

In January, 7 months after he died, I was trying to find the courage to speak when I got my diagnosis; breast cancer. I was almost relieved. I was going to join him and stop hurting. Even hearing my cancer is one of the very best kind to treat didn't convince me. Jim died from sepsis and I might too. Ladies who had been there would tell me my attitude was the most important thing for my outcome. I'd smile and say what they wanted to hear. Inside my head, I thought, "Great! Attitude sucks and I'll soon be out of here". Made sure the monument was what I wanted and put in place and went to the hospital.

Surgery went well; reconstruction went well. Clear lymph nodes. 2 @ stage 0, 1 @ stage 1 and no chemo recommended. It was a few weeks before I realized this wasn't going to kill me. Then the grief monster came to live at my house and would not go away. I was going to live and I had no life without him, nor did I want one.

But you guys were still there for me. Day in; day out. Night and day, you guys were there and I still had no voice. But it was ok. You had my words. And I love you for that.

Then, 10 days ago one of you mentioned she did not have health insurance. I snapped. I had to talk to her. My first outpatient biopsy was $12,000 and she was in my age bracket. I wish there was a video of me trying to get registered. Finding a name; finding a password, figuring out what I'd just entered as a password. I was a madwoman. I HAD to get to her, NOW! Can't type worth a damn in that mindset, but I finally got in. She was so sweet. Then I messaged someone else, then someone else, till I began to really feel like I was among my friends.

So if sometimes I post like I've known you a while, I probably have. You probably helped to save me. People tell me I seem better, as I have begun to ask myself what do I want my life to look like?

I have a long way to go, but Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to the large group of Anonymous users who haven't found your voices either, it's ok. I hope my friends are helping you as much as they did me.

Thanks
Kathy