Not Yet!!

It would probably make more sense to share my story in chronological order.  But....that isn't going to happen. My timelines now are now; before Jake died, after Jake died, before Jim died, after Jim died, before cancer and after cancer.  I think I remember most of it, but trying to put it into a timeline would be impossible for me, as my mind jumps back and forth. So my postings will probably have no rhyme or reason. They will follow the thoughts of the day.

A few days ago, we lost a fellow widow. I did not know her. She could not handle it anymore and she took her own life, leaving her young children with no parent. I am not sure what the answer is, but I know there are many who are grieving a spouse, a child or another love, and the same thing could happen again. We must find these people and help them before it is too late.

There is a difference between "wanting to die" and being "suicidal".  But my fear is they can both end the same way. I will share my own experience. 

I think it was about 2 weeks after my husband Jim died.  I was already in counseling, but I was drowning in PTSD.  Thirty days in ICU only to lose the fight left me empty.  I wanted to die. That was ALL I wanted.  But I wasn't suicidal.  And the opportunity presented itself.....

I think it was the first time I went back to church. I was heading downtown and was at a redlight. My light turned green.  The next few seconds played out in very slow motion.  I saw a car coming.  I knew there was no way she was going to stop at her speed.  I also knew I had just enough time to get in front of her...and it would be over....and it would be an accident....and it would not be my fault....  I saw ALL of this in that second. I saw the end of the pain...and I reached for it. I lifted my foot from the brake and pressed the accelerator.....

Somewhere... at that second...and I have no idea if it came from within me or outside of me... I heard a very loud, "NOT YET!", and my foot slammed back on the brake. Was it my will to live, or was it God's intervention or a combination of both?  I do not know the answer to this day. But a choice was made that day to live. And for that, I am grateful...

And being available for those in pain for any reason is very important to me now.  I believe Jesus spoke to us about loving each other a few times....

Have a blessed day!